What to Watch out for: The CMF

CMF is an acronym for our most loathed type of customer: The Creepy Mother Fucker.

CMFs come in all shapes and sizes.
Anyone (mostly men) can be one.
He can go from normal guy to CMF in a matter of a few regrettable words.

The goal of the CMF is unknown. He is an elusive breed. One that thrives on entering sex shops without any intention to spend any money.
He is sexually stimulated by the mere scent of our Cotton Candy scent diffuser.
Often, he is unaware of his status as a CMF, and sees his behavior as totally acceptable and normal.
He could not be more wrong.

My first knowledge of the CMF came not from personal experience, but co-worker anecdote.
I saw his photo on our "Wall of CMFs," which is dedicated to warning fellow employees of possible returning deviants.
"What's a CMF?" I asked when I saw the letters invading his video-still photo.
"Creepy Mother Fucker," my co-worker replied. "He came in wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt and just stood over by the bondage toys staring at me. After a while I noticed something in his pants was moving. Apparently he had cut the pockets from the sweatpants and came in here to jerk off."
I. Was. Shocked.
She said she called the police right away, but he was gone before they got there.
She filed an incident report, and 2 days later his face was plastered on our Wall of Shame.

CMFs tend to be loners. They're usually middle-aged, white, and wearing very casual clothing. Once in a while, though, a well-dressed younger man will prove himself to be a CMF, so don't label anyone until you hear them talk. When they come in the store, they look at everything, but buy nothing.

Often, when he is wearing loose-fitting pants, his erection will be displayed for all to see. Of course, he barely notices it, as he continues to browse our selection of explicit porn titles and male masturbaters.
He may even knock things over with his massive wood, especially things at crotch-level, such as the lubricant.

When this happens, it is our job to inform said CMF of his, *ahem*, troubles.
"Sir, it seems that this store is a bit overwhelming for you at the moment. Why don't you step outside and take a few deep breaths. If you're still feeling excited, it might be best to come back another time."
This all translates to: "Get the eff out of here you pervert!"

Of course, not all CMFs are willing to show their faces in the store.
Many like to harass us via phone.

One example I have is someone who we have coined "The Total CMF," and we have even gone so far as to block his phone number.
The first time he called, I answered.
He informed me that his Master and Mistress forced him to call to say "Thank You" for helping them pick out some movies the other night.
I reluctantly said that I was glad to help and I hope they enjoy them.
He hung up.
He called back a few minutes later to ask about our strap-on harnesses.
Trying not to allow him to get off on this conversation, I informed him of what we have and what the prices are.
Normally, a call like that would end there.
But he had to tell me that his mistress was going to teach him about "dildo worshipping" and pegging (when a woman wears a harness and performs anal sex on a man), all while he was chained to the wall wearing a dog collar.
Not quite knowing how to respond, I told him about the prices of our dildos, as well as our leather collars.
He went on and on and on about how grateful his master and mistress were that I was helping him, and it almost sounded like he was crying.
I called my manager after ending the call and we saved the number to our caller ID.
He continued for about a month to call every so often, usually twice a week.
No matter how rude we were to him, he wouldn't stop.
When we saw his number come up, we would answer "We don't discuss products or prices over the phone" and hang up.
He'd immediately call back to apologize.
Then he'd call to tell us how cute he looked in his little maid's outfit.
Finally, as sternly as I could without laughing, I told him that it was inappropriate to interrupt us while at work to tell us these things, and that if he called again on non-product related issues, we'd file a harassment report.
Then I hung up.
He immediately called back to apologize.

CMFs can also be women.
It's not uncommon for a woman to ask too much of us or offer too much about herself. She'll often treat the toys as if they were potential lovers who cared what she looked and smelled like.
She'll often try on lingerie without buying it, but ask for assistance while trying it on.
She's the type of woman who gets wet from exposing her breasts.
Although rare, she is no less of a threat than the male version.

We have many categories when it comes to labeling customers. CMF is one of many of these such categories, and unfortunately, causes us the most anxiety. Perhaps later I will touch on some other types, such as "Clucking Hens," "Whisperers," "Know-it-alls," and more.

We tend to deal with all of them in their own unique way.

Keep your batteries charged!~Alice