Simple Rules to Follow as an Adult Novelty Store Employee

This is NOT Bed Bath and Beyond. I will not tolerate your shit, but I will do so in a professional manner.
Here are a few tips you'll need to know if you ever find yourself working at an Adult Novelty Store:

-First thing's first. As a rule of thumb: The customer is always right unless they're WRONG

-Use LOTS of hand sanitizer. You never know who had his hands down his pants then all over your products.

-NEVER bother a man looking through DVD titles. He's in his own world, he can't see you. Startling him would be like waking a Velociraptor protecting her babies. You likely won't come out alive.

-No matter how persistent a customer is, NEVER divulge personal information about yourself. None. That includes where you go to school, what your hobbies are, where you'll be at 3:30 Tuesday afternoon, your favorite book, what you want to be when you grow up, where you live, your social security number, etc... Once personal information has been given, you are now OBLIGATED to have a conversation with this customer, who likely came in for company rather than a vibrator. DON'T LET THEM WIN!

-When a customer gets embarrassed about what they want to buy, don't judge. If it's a cock enhancer, grab it off the shelf and explain it to him in great detail, thrust it into his hand and walk toward the register. Don't let embarrassed people get in the way of you making a sale!

-Treat the product as what it is, a device, not what it's used for. Talk in technical terms. Explain things such as material, function, motor power, etc. Mention anything about lady-bits and the sale is off! It's The Rabbit, but treat it as if it were a toaster.

-When in doubt, lie.

-Be a cold bitch to middle-aged (and older) men, but turn around and be sweet to all women.

-If you're put in an uncomfortable situation, make it even more uncomfortable for the other person. Example "Sir, I can see your erection."

-Threaten to call the cops. Often.

-Never wear a low-cut shirt, or men will never get past the front counter.

-Get really familiar with everything, so that if a customer describes something, you can run and get the most expensive one. Example: "I'm looking for something called a clit pump...I think." OK, since she has no idea what she's looking for, go to the shelf and grab one. Explain that THIS is what she is looking for. She's too dumb to ask any more questions and she'll cough up the cash.

-Get used to the fact that in this store, it's totally normal to be talking to a total stranger about blow-job techniques.

-Never dress up. Jeans, dirty chucks, and minimal makeup is the standard uniform. Any more than that, and you'll be divulging that personal information without even knowing it through your sense of style. Style says a lot about you. It can say, "I'm into Rockabily and soy lattes," (which will undoubtedly and unwillingly cause customers to start long boring conversations with you) or it can say "Look at me the wrong way and I'll shoot lasers at you."

-Correct people when they are wrong. Convince them that you're right because you work at a sex shop and have a copy of "The Guide to Getting it on" at your discretion. Example: Vibrators and Dildos are not synonymous. Lube is not oil. I don't care what you heard, masturbation does NOT cause blindness.

-Call people out. Shall I explain? I had a customer who bought 180 bucks worth of porn, claiming it was for "artistic research." I called his bullshit. Another example? If you're a guy buying a pocket pussy, don't try to tell me it's not for you. Yes, it's for you. If some guy is being a dildo, tell him he belongs neatly packaged on the shelves with the others, and you can sell him for 59.95.