Shocking Customer Behavior

After nearly a year of working at my store, you'd think I've seen everything.
I often think the very same thing.
I go to work thinking that nothing can shocking anymore, and I am often proven to be very wrong.

Short of writing a post about every single odd customer I've ever had thus far (which would take months, nay, years to complete), I have decided to showcase the most shocking moments here, in short descriptions, to give you, the reader/potential customer, some idea of what we get to deal with on a daily basis.

All of these stories come from real customers; REAL PEOPLE that I have dealt with. It amazes me that there are even normal people out there any more...

-This older gentleman (who thought he was the only person in the store and took me away from the register many times) was buying things for his girlfriend. But he didn't know what to get. So he made me pick everything. "If you were to get any of this stuff, what would you want? Go ahead, pick anything." Then he made me pick out a Valentine's Day card. But what I picked wasn't dirty enough. Then he made me pick out crotchless panties. I had no idea what to do, so I just told him to pick. Then he explained to me the type of woman this was for. Let's just say...it was a little too much information. Something about a liquor bottle and pouring hot wax...I blocked it out. So I said "Sir, I really have no idea." but as I walked away he grabbed my arm and said, "Would you like to be fucked like that?"

-One man asked me about our home parties. I gave him all the info I could, but it wasn't enough I guess. "Is this LEGAL?" "Will you be there?" "Do we have to buy the toys first?" "How do i get people to show up?" "Can I join another party?" I was getting confused, until it dawned on me...he thought our home parties were sex parties, where a bunch of people get together and use our toys on each other.

-We'll call this guy "Virgin with very small penis who wears false boobs and is not shy about anything." He was looking for penis extenders. I showed him where they were. "How do they stay on?" I explained that they were very stretchy and snug. "They look too heavy. They'll fall off." I tried to assure him they wouldn't. "But my penis is really small. Like as big as my pinkie." I had no idea what to say. So I walked away.

-This was the first (and only) customer to make me cry. I waited until she was gone to let the flood gates open, but it made me so upset to be in her line of fire.
She purchased some cheap multi-speed bullet with remote attached. Usually, we have no problems with these toys, but about a week later she and her husband came back to return it. We don't do returns. Ever. But since she gave me such a hard time for it, I gave her store credit and she put it towards buying a different bullet. Before it left the store, I made sure it worked.
Three weeks later she called and demanded to speak to a manager. Since one was not available, I did my best to help her. She was irate. Her bullet broke again.
Well, too bad. It's been 3 weeks, there's nothing I can do at this point.
She demanded my manager's phone number. For safety reasons, I didn't give it to her. "If you don't give me that number, I'm going to come down there and get it from you myself." To which I replied, "Are you threatening me?" "You bed your ass I am!"
Oh. Nice.
*Dials 911*
When she showed up the cop was there, and she is livid.
She was yelling and kicking and screaming because we wouldn't give her her money back. TOO BAD! WE NEVER DO!!!
The insults flew, as did her middle fingers.
She left incredibly upset, and said that she will make it her life's duty to make sure no one shops here again.
Good luck, psycho.