You'll Piss Me Off If You Do This...

If you haven't figured it out by now, I enjoy making lists.
Here's a list of my pretty unique pet peeves that would only bother someone with a job like mine.
If you don't want to piss me off, please:
Don't assume that, due to the personal nature of the store, rules of society no longer apply. Inside this store I am still a person. Inside this store, you are, too. If you're a creep out there, you're a creep in here. Whatever is inappropriate outside these walls is still inappropriate inside these walls, even though they're hot pink. So get your hand out of your pants, put your wedding ring back on, stop trying to get some deal out of us, and keep in mind that I'm not interested in your husband's erectile dysfunction.

Many of these things apply to many retail jobs, but at those other jobs, it's not acceptable to an associate to be bothered by it. But here, I am alone. I have no one to "pass the buck" to, so if you start getting on my nerves, you'll know about it. I'll start out by giving "the eye," a subtle signal for you to knock off whatever you're doing. If that doesn't work, my tone of voice changes from cheerful to scolding a 4-year-old. If that doesn't work, I'll straight up tell you what you're doing wrong. This is still a store. Just because you're probably the only customer and I'm the only employee doesn't excuse your stupidity. I'm not there to hold your hand.
Ok, I'll stop babbling on now and get to what I really mean: First I will explain what it is customers do, then I will explain why it bugs me.

-When customers ask me which of these toys I own and use. Please, don't assume that because I work here that I a) own ANY of this stuff, b) enjoy spending my days in bed with my buzzing friends, c) am some sort of sexual freak, d) enjoy talking about my hypothetical masturbatory life, and e) don't have anything else to be doing than talking about how you're going to get off.

-When customers ask me which toy is the most popular (vibrator, DVD, anal beads, etc). First of all, due to the extreme personal nature of the toys, you shouldn't base your decision of what is a top seller. Every person's anatomy is unique. It is important to know what you want out of a toy (or movie) before going to shop for one. Consider what you enjoy, and in a subtle way, let me know so that I can mentally choose some options for you. NOTHING sells better than anything else in the store. You need to pick something based on your personal pleasure, reason, budget, and open-mindedness. If everyone were created the same, we would only have 2 or 3 toys to choose from. This bothers me greatly because whenever a customer asks me this, I have to repeat this whole schpeel, and it gets irritating.

-When customers ask me which toy is the best. Same deal. I can't say what is the best for you. Maybe you like g-spot stimulation, but the "best" we have is focused on clitoral stimulation. I can't determine that. What I can do, however, is educate you on why each toy is made the way it is. I can explain the highest quality materials, test which vibrator is strongest, which is quietest, etc. When you say "best," I have NO IDEA WHAT YOU MEAN!!! The best for what? Price? Here, I'll sell you this $150 device, tell you that's the best, top of the line, and send you on your unsatisfied way.

-When customers come in and I offer to help them find something and they tell me they're "just looking." This is code for "not going to buy anything," or "wasting your time." That, or they're lying and are too shy to admit what it is they came in for. The latter is most likely true, due to the fact that this is a destination store. We get almost NO foot traffic because of our remote location on a busy road with no sidewalks or bike lanes. There are no businesses on either side of us. A block away is an auto glass repair shop, but that's it. I doubt somebody's windshield broke and they decided to stop over at the sex shop on their way home. When customers come in, it's for a good reason. When people say they're "just looking" I ask them if I can point them in any certain direction. When they say no, I politely let them know that I'm available if any questions should arise or they need help deciding on something, all while giving them "the eye." This is also a great bother for me because as an employee, it is unprofessional of me to sit and read or journal while there are customers in the store. When people are "just looking," I am forced to pretend to do mindless tasks to look busy for the cameras. I can only walk around and straighten so much before I give up and sit down. SO GET THE EFF OUT OF MY STORE UNLESS YOU PLAN ON BUYING SOMETHING!!!

-When someone assumes I'm some sort of freak. Don't start a question with "so you know when you're fingering a girl..." STOP! That, right there, is an assumption. "So...how many three somes have you been in?" That, is another one. "Which vibrator do you own?" There's another one. Does it say "Sexual Deviant" on my forehead? NO! Even if I were some sort of sexually obsessed BDSM bisexual porn freak, that is personal information that you have NO RIGHT TO KNOW! I am there to offer product knowledge (which there is a LOT of), and a little education about human anatomy and physiology. Having knowledge about something doesn't mean it's practiced. Hell, I know a lot about Nazi Germany, too, but that doesn't mean I enjoy filling rooms with the "racially inferior" and gas the life out of them.

-When customers expect me to (figuratively) hold their hands. OK, I understand you've never owned one of these before and it may be intimidating, but I'm going to explain a little bit about each type of whatever it is you came in for, and leave you to look around. I'll be back later if you have any questions. Don't cling to me like a crazy lady to her cats. There are other people that I need to assist. You're not the only one in here. It's OK. Take a deep breath. Don't pick up EVERY SINGLE package and ask, "OK, so what's the difference in THIS one?" Seriously, can you read? The package offers you all the information you need. The toy shoppers aren't really the ones that bother me the most. It's the people who need CONSTANT attention when they're buying anything. I finally snapped at a lady after she had been in my store for 3 (no lie, watch the DVR for proof) hours and said, "What about this garter belt? Do you think my new boyfriend would like this?" to which I replied in a very irritated voice "I have NO idea..." (I was trying to help other customers who had legitimate questions, and she just interrupted us. seriously. At that point, I. don't. care.)

-When I have to repeat myself 100 times. After I've explained what the rotating beads are supposed to simulate, I expect that you have absorbed the information. Don't pick up a similar toy and ask, "Ok, now, what is this for?" because I'll likely just walk away.

-When customers pick something up, walk a few feet, and put it down in the wrong spot. I believe most people can agree with me on this one. Walk back the 4 feet where you found it, and place it there. This is MY store, not your living room.

-When customers pick out 3 or 4 DVDs, come up to the counter, and ask "Can I rent these?" Well, do you have a membership? NO?! Well sure, but be sure to act surprised when I tell you that I need to create one for you and that it will take some time. Then, as I fill out the paperwork, be sure to stare at me awkwardly and impatiently as I do my job. HINT: If you want to know if you can do something, ASK FIRST. If the answer is yes, proceed. In this case, if you want to rent some porn, ask me if it's possible. When I say I need to create a membership, take that time to pick out which DVDs you want. What's the point of taking an hour to pick up 4 DVDs, THEN asking me if you can rent them? What if I say no? The customer will likely leave them at the counter for me to put away.

-When renters return DVDs with questionable substances on them. Usually, I'll point it out and explain that they need to take better care of our stuff. In extreme cases, I'll make the customer buy it. I'm not touching...whatever that is.

-Bartering. Especially with DVD late fees. "I know it's late, but if you could go easy on me that would be really great." Nope. You owe me $16. End of story. "So if I buy $65 worth of DVDs, I can get 3 free? Can I get 4?" Did I SAY you could get 4? "I don't have an in state ID, but I want to rent these. What if I gave you an extra 20 bucks as collateral?" Do you see any signs that say "we accept Visa, Mastercard, and collateral?" My favorite: "If I buy this swing for $200, can you throw in that vibrator for free?" This is not a used car lot.

-When people ransack through my DVD displays and create a small panic in the back right corner of the store. I JUST organized those, dude!

-Mother Hens. These are groups of single or married women in their 40's who have never been to a store of this nature and find EVERYTHING to be HILARIOUS. They're loud, disruptive, and often overweight. This is the worst kind of customer, because I have to tell them to be quiet or leave. Please: don't walk into a sex shop and assume that everything there is meant for your entertainment. Because it's not.

-Lonely Men. These are guys who come in just for the company. They tend to be close-talkers, curious about everything I'm doing, and ignorantly inappropriate. They range in age from 30-70, and will often ask me tons of personal questions. Then they leave without spending a dime.

-When customers don't look at prices until after I've rung them up. Then they're shocked and decide to keep their money. This is annoying. Did you assume that everything here was within your price range? That I was going to GIVE it to you? Now I have to void it out and fill out paperwork explaining why. At this point, I'm tempted to say the reason is "customer assumed sex toys are cheap," or "too dumb to look at price." You get my hopes up, making me think I'm going to make a sale, then you break my heart. Is that what you want to do? Break my heart?