Dear crank-callers: Get a life

Prank calls to a sex shop is not a new development.
People have been doing it for as long as either have existed.
However, the people doing the calling think this was somehow their idea, as if no one has ever done it before.

I get my share of prank calls.
And I have to admit, I look forward to them.

We get very few phone calls as is. Whenever the phone rings, I expect the caller ID to display a familiar number; either a manager or another store.
Occasionally customers will call.
The phone will ring, and an unfamiliar number will appear. I'm more willing to answer if the call is being made from a land line. Calls from a cell phone are usually being made en route, and the person is likely lost so I have to lead them through whatever maze they've gotten lost in.
The calls are pretty mundane. "Where are you located?" "What are your hours?" "Are you hiring?"
Most calls end after less than 30 seconds.
"East 7Th Street." "10am to 10pm." "No."
Occasionally customers call asking about products. "What do you have? What color is it? How much is it? What else is there?"
At that point I'm not willing to do someone's shopping for them over the phone, so I kindly tell them that we have a variety of toys so it would be best if they just came in to look.

But once in a while the phone will ring and the caller ID will display "Withheld."
Not gonna lie, it makes me a bit giddy when this happens.
I almost know what to expect, and I turn into Sarcastic Mega Bitch.

I will admit, though, that I've been had. My co-worker totally got me one time. I'm still getting over it. I was SO MAD AT HIM!!! But it's hard to be mad when you're laughing hysterically.

Anyway, back to what inspired this post.

It had been a few days since my last prank call, and I'm getting so good at detecting them that they're no fun anymore.
People just aren't as creative as they used to be.
That, or I've just heard it all.

Last night was a pretty typical eye-roller.

*Phone rings*
Caller ID displays "Withheld"
I turn giddy with excitement (it was my Tuesday highlight, I had been reading about serial killers for HOURS with no customers).
I answer.
"[Name of store], how can I help you?"
"Um...hello?"
The girl on the other line was SOBBING.
"Uh, can I help you?" I asked after rolling my eyes (who calls a store while sobbing? Clearly a prank).
In between sobs she managed to yell, "My boyfriend broke up with me and I don't know how to pleasure myself!!!" *Sob sob sob*
...are you kidding me?
"Well, honey, neither do I."
More sobbing.
"But...but isn't this a sex shop?" *sniffle sob sob*
"Yes, yes it is."
"SO WHY WON'T YOU HELP ME?!"
"I'm a sales associate. What you need is a therapist." *Enter Mega Bitch*
"Well what am I supposed to DO?!" *OMG it's the end of the world!!! OMG OMG*
"We have a lot of things for you to try. We sell bullets, vibrators, dildos, anal beads, porn DVDs, or whatever you're into," I say very sternly.
"well, do you sell battery-operated boyfriends?"
*trying to hold back laughter*
"You'll have to check E-Bay for that one, honey." (What I REALLY wanted to say is, "Yes we do, but as soon as you cry or bitch or moan, they break.)
More yelling. "BUT THEY OTHER SEX STORE SAID THEY HAD IT!"
"Like I said. E-Bay."
*sniffle sniffle* 'What about Craig's List?"
"Yeah, try that."
And with that, the sobbing miraculously ceased.
"Um, ok thank you bye!"
"Uh, bye."
*Click*

I really want to know what this girl thought she would get out of this call.
I hope it was really funny.

However, if this wasn't a prank call, I feel bad for whatever therapist has to deal with THAT.

But I look forward to many more prank calls in the future!


Keep your batteries charged! ~Alice