I quit today.
No more blog
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Dear crank-callers: Get a life
Prank calls to a sex shop is not a new development.
People have been doing it for as long as either have existed.
However, the people doing the calling think this was somehow their idea, as if no one has ever done it before.
I get my share of prank calls.
And I have to admit, I look forward to them.
We get very few phone calls as is. Whenever the phone rings, I expect the caller ID to display a familiar number; either a manager or another store.
Occasionally customers will call.
The phone will ring, and an unfamiliar number will appear. I'm more willing to answer if the call is being made from a land line. Calls from a cell phone are usually being made en route, and the person is likely lost so I have to lead them through whatever maze they've gotten lost in.
The calls are pretty mundane. "Where are you located?" "What are your hours?" "Are you hiring?"
Most calls end after less than 30 seconds.
"East 7Th Street." "10am to 10pm." "No."
Occasionally customers call asking about products. "What do you have? What color is it? How much is it? What else is there?"
At that point I'm not willing to do someone's shopping for them over the phone, so I kindly tell them that we have a variety of toys so it would be best if they just came in to look.
But once in a while the phone will ring and the caller ID will display "Withheld."
Not gonna lie, it makes me a bit giddy when this happens.
I almost know what to expect, and I turn into Sarcastic Mega Bitch.
I will admit, though, that I've been had. My co-worker totally got me one time. I'm still getting over it. I was SO MAD AT HIM!!! But it's hard to be mad when you're laughing hysterically.
Anyway, back to what inspired this post.
It had been a few days since my last prank call, and I'm getting so good at detecting them that they're no fun anymore.
People just aren't as creative as they used to be.
That, or I've just heard it all.
Last night was a pretty typical eye-roller.
*Phone rings*
Caller ID displays "Withheld"
I turn giddy with excitement (it was my Tuesday highlight, I had been reading about serial killers for HOURS with no customers).
I answer.
"[Name of store], how can I help you?"
"Um...hello?"
The girl on the other line was SOBBING.
"Uh, can I help you?" I asked after rolling my eyes (who calls a store while sobbing? Clearly a prank).
In between sobs she managed to yell, "My boyfriend broke up with me and I don't know how to pleasure myself!!!" *Sob sob sob*
...are you kidding me?
"Well, honey, neither do I."
More sobbing.
"But...but isn't this a sex shop?" *sniffle sob sob*
"Yes, yes it is."
"SO WHY WON'T YOU HELP ME?!"
"I'm a sales associate. What you need is a therapist." *Enter Mega Bitch*
"Well what am I supposed to DO?!" *OMG it's the end of the world!!! OMG OMG*
"We have a lot of things for you to try. We sell bullets, vibrators, dildos, anal beads, porn DVDs, or whatever you're into," I say very sternly.
"well, do you sell battery-operated boyfriends?"
*trying to hold back laughter*
"You'll have to check E-Bay for that one, honey." (What I REALLY wanted to say is, "Yes we do, but as soon as you cry or bitch or moan, they break.)
More yelling. "BUT THEY OTHER SEX STORE SAID THEY HAD IT!"
"Like I said. E-Bay."
*sniffle sniffle* 'What about Craig's List?"
"Yeah, try that."
And with that, the sobbing miraculously ceased.
"Um, ok thank you bye!"
"Uh, bye."
*Click*
I really want to know what this girl thought she would get out of this call.
I hope it was really funny.
However, if this wasn't a prank call, I feel bad for whatever therapist has to deal with THAT.
But I look forward to many more prank calls in the future!
Keep your batteries charged! ~Alice
People have been doing it for as long as either have existed.
However, the people doing the calling think this was somehow their idea, as if no one has ever done it before.
I get my share of prank calls.
And I have to admit, I look forward to them.
We get very few phone calls as is. Whenever the phone rings, I expect the caller ID to display a familiar number; either a manager or another store.
Occasionally customers will call.
The phone will ring, and an unfamiliar number will appear. I'm more willing to answer if the call is being made from a land line. Calls from a cell phone are usually being made en route, and the person is likely lost so I have to lead them through whatever maze they've gotten lost in.
The calls are pretty mundane. "Where are you located?" "What are your hours?" "Are you hiring?"
Most calls end after less than 30 seconds.
"East 7Th Street." "10am to 10pm." "No."
Occasionally customers call asking about products. "What do you have? What color is it? How much is it? What else is there?"
At that point I'm not willing to do someone's shopping for them over the phone, so I kindly tell them that we have a variety of toys so it would be best if they just came in to look.
But once in a while the phone will ring and the caller ID will display "Withheld."
Not gonna lie, it makes me a bit giddy when this happens.
I almost know what to expect, and I turn into Sarcastic Mega Bitch.
I will admit, though, that I've been had. My co-worker totally got me one time. I'm still getting over it. I was SO MAD AT HIM!!! But it's hard to be mad when you're laughing hysterically.
Anyway, back to what inspired this post.
It had been a few days since my last prank call, and I'm getting so good at detecting them that they're no fun anymore.
People just aren't as creative as they used to be.
That, or I've just heard it all.
Last night was a pretty typical eye-roller.
*Phone rings*
Caller ID displays "Withheld"
I turn giddy with excitement (it was my Tuesday highlight, I had been reading about serial killers for HOURS with no customers).
I answer.
"[Name of store], how can I help you?"
"Um...hello?"
The girl on the other line was SOBBING.
"Uh, can I help you?" I asked after rolling my eyes (who calls a store while sobbing? Clearly a prank).
In between sobs she managed to yell, "My boyfriend broke up with me and I don't know how to pleasure myself!!!" *Sob sob sob*
...are you kidding me?
"Well, honey, neither do I."
More sobbing.
"But...but isn't this a sex shop?" *sniffle sob sob*
"Yes, yes it is."
"SO WHY WON'T YOU HELP ME?!"
"I'm a sales associate. What you need is a therapist." *Enter Mega Bitch*
"Well what am I supposed to DO?!" *OMG it's the end of the world!!! OMG OMG*
"We have a lot of things for you to try. We sell bullets, vibrators, dildos, anal beads, porn DVDs, or whatever you're into," I say very sternly.
"well, do you sell battery-operated boyfriends?"
*trying to hold back laughter*
"You'll have to check E-Bay for that one, honey." (What I REALLY wanted to say is, "Yes we do, but as soon as you cry or bitch or moan, they break.)
More yelling. "BUT THEY OTHER SEX STORE SAID THEY HAD IT!"
"Like I said. E-Bay."
*sniffle sniffle* 'What about Craig's List?"
"Yeah, try that."
And with that, the sobbing miraculously ceased.
"Um, ok thank you bye!"
"Uh, bye."
*Click*
I really want to know what this girl thought she would get out of this call.
I hope it was really funny.
However, if this wasn't a prank call, I feel bad for whatever therapist has to deal with THAT.
But I look forward to many more prank calls in the future!
Keep your batteries charged! ~Alice
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
I figured it was about time to update. Another disturbing CMF
Whenever I have mentioned the CMF (creepy motherfucker) in the past, it has been in reference to some creepy older man who seems to have no social filter. Well, this case is different. In many very wrong ways.
What makes this CMF different?
1) He's young.
2) He's not out to hit on anyone or pick me up.
3) He genuinely needed help and had legitimate questions.
So what makes him a CMF?
Well, for one, he creeped me the FUCK out. I had to pick my jaw up off the floor numerous times because I was so shocked by what he was saying. At first I felt bad for the poor guy. But soon I was annoyed. And finally, completely creeped out.
He came in the store one evening to ask me a few questions.
First of all, this guy was probably 5'2 at the most. He had long blond hair in a low pony tail covered with a baseball cap. Baggy jeans, camo-hoodie. Normal enough. Then I heard him speak.
I don't know if I was more shocked by his question or by his voice.
He was speaking in falsetto.
ummm...WHAT?
trying to keep from laughing, I listened to his "question."
"Um," (imagine Michael Jackson's voice) "I'm a virgin and...well, I don't know."
Uh, okay? Was this a question?
I was trying to be nice and helpful like I usually am, but I was sort of at a loss for words. I wasn't really shocked that he was a virgin. I get people in on occasion that admit they're virgins. One guy told me he was a virgin because he couldn't find his penis, and I was supposed to tell him how to do that, or something.
But in this case, he just stared at me and expected me to unload some sort of wisdom upon him so that he could leave knowing how to solve his dilemma.
Silence...
"Also," he continued, "I have a really small penis. Like, 2 inches. And about the girth of my pinkie."
I was a deer in headlights. It took me a while to process.
Once I was able to pick my jaw up off the floor, I asked him what he would like me to help him with.
"Well, I just need something to help me get it in...there."
uh...huh.
I showed him what we have for penis extenders.
Yes, they're real. They're a hollow sleeve with a solid few inches at the end to add length and girth to those who wish to be more well-endowed. They look like realistic dildoes, but half of it is hollow. It's designed to slip over the penis. It also takes away ANY pleasure for the guy. I feel sorry for men who feel that this is the only way they can please a woman. There are SO MANY things guys can do for women, but all they're concerned about is penis size. Although, that's all some women are concerned about, as well. It's a sad concept, but I'm a sales person, so if that's what a guy is concerned about, I make a 40 dollar sale.
When I showed them to him he asked, "How do they stay on?"
"Well they're really stretchy, and you essentially roll it on like you would a condom. It holds itself in place over an erect penis."
"It looks really heavy, it would fall off."
Yeah, probably. But I offered to open the package so he could feel the material and determine if it would fit (based on sight...).
He concluded that, no, it would not fit. Even the smallest tightest one we had wouldn't fit.
And how did he determine this? He tried to wear it on his pinkie finger. It fell off.
I was nearly ecstatic when more customers came in the store, so I had an excuse to stop helping this guy.
I figured he would just leave.
Uh, no.
He started looking through our lingerie and after AN HOUR (yes, it took him an hour to look at 28 lingerie pieces) he brought some to the counter because he wanted to try them on.
"Sure, that's fine, but just remember to keep your under garments on."
He unzipped his hoodie to reveal a glittery disaster of a tank top. He grabbed his chest. "You mean, I have to keep my bra on?"
Right...you're wearing a bra. And false boobs, apparently.
"Um, yes."
"But then how will I see if it holds my boobs?"
"Well, it...um...it's not...uh..."
He was just staring at me. With his broken out face and black meth head teeth and disgusting dirty fingernails and his intense BO stench...
"It's not meant to be supportive." I really, REALLY didn't want him to try anything on. I was afraid he would stain it and make it smell, then I'd have to ask him to buy it and...UGH.
I eventually convinced him to come in another day.
So he left.
FINALLY, after over 90 minutes of dealing with his stench, his incessant questions, hearing about his pinkie-sized penis, looking at his meth-addict face...he was gone.
I HAD to call my manager and tell her about this guy. After 10 years in the business, she was as shocked as I was.
We concluded that he wouldn't be back.
But guess what?!
We were wrong!
LUCKILY it was not during my shift. My co-worker was more than familiar with this guy at that point, after hearing my stories, so he recognized him as soon as he walked in.
He showed him the hollow harness dildoes, the penis-enlargement pills (yes, they still sell those), and whatever else we had to offer. But it wasn't enough. This guy wanted us to SOLVE his problem for him.
Well, dude, this isn't our problem, it's YOURS.
We showed him what we had, and that's all we could have done.
But he wouldn't leave.
I guess he was there for another 90 minutes asking the same stupid questions and bugging my co-worker and manager. There's a point where we CANNOT HELP YOU ANYMORE, but he didn't recognize that.
I think he was convinced t hat we were hiding something from him. Some secret device that will de-virginize him. They were busy taking inventory, but he wouldn't SHUT UP.
I guess he left after a while.
But he came back. AGAIN.
He continued to bug us with his stupid questions, and my co-worker finally had to tell him to STFU when he came up to the counter with a pair of panties asking, "Do you think these would fit me?"
And my co-worker didn't even look at him and said "I have no idea."
And we haven't seen him since.
I think about that guy a lot.
Every time I see a crazy cracked out meth head, or every time someone makes a joke about a small penis, or whenever I smell horrid BO...
Did he ever "get it in...there?"
Did he die of a meth overdose?
Or did he just kill himself after realizing that he'll be a virgin forever, because no woman wants to fuck a bra-wearing midgit with disgusting teeth, overpowering body odor, and a pinkie for a penis.
Whatever it is, I don't think we'll be seeing him again.
Keep your batteries charged! ~Alice
What makes this CMF different?
1) He's young.
2) He's not out to hit on anyone or pick me up.
3) He genuinely needed help and had legitimate questions.
So what makes him a CMF?
Well, for one, he creeped me the FUCK out. I had to pick my jaw up off the floor numerous times because I was so shocked by what he was saying. At first I felt bad for the poor guy. But soon I was annoyed. And finally, completely creeped out.
He came in the store one evening to ask me a few questions.
First of all, this guy was probably 5'2 at the most. He had long blond hair in a low pony tail covered with a baseball cap. Baggy jeans, camo-hoodie. Normal enough. Then I heard him speak.
I don't know if I was more shocked by his question or by his voice.
He was speaking in falsetto.
ummm...WHAT?
trying to keep from laughing, I listened to his "question."
"Um," (imagine Michael Jackson's voice) "I'm a virgin and...well, I don't know."
Uh, okay? Was this a question?
I was trying to be nice and helpful like I usually am, but I was sort of at a loss for words. I wasn't really shocked that he was a virgin. I get people in on occasion that admit they're virgins. One guy told me he was a virgin because he couldn't find his penis, and I was supposed to tell him how to do that, or something.
But in this case, he just stared at me and expected me to unload some sort of wisdom upon him so that he could leave knowing how to solve his dilemma.
Silence...
"Also," he continued, "I have a really small penis. Like, 2 inches. And about the girth of my pinkie."
I was a deer in headlights. It took me a while to process.
Once I was able to pick my jaw up off the floor, I asked him what he would like me to help him with.
"Well, I just need something to help me get it in...there."
uh...huh.
I showed him what we have for penis extenders.
Yes, they're real. They're a hollow sleeve with a solid few inches at the end to add length and girth to those who wish to be more well-endowed. They look like realistic dildoes, but half of it is hollow. It's designed to slip over the penis. It also takes away ANY pleasure for the guy. I feel sorry for men who feel that this is the only way they can please a woman. There are SO MANY things guys can do for women, but all they're concerned about is penis size. Although, that's all some women are concerned about, as well. It's a sad concept, but I'm a sales person, so if that's what a guy is concerned about, I make a 40 dollar sale.
When I showed them to him he asked, "How do they stay on?"
"Well they're really stretchy, and you essentially roll it on like you would a condom. It holds itself in place over an erect penis."
"It looks really heavy, it would fall off."
Yeah, probably. But I offered to open the package so he could feel the material and determine if it would fit (based on sight...).
He concluded that, no, it would not fit. Even the smallest tightest one we had wouldn't fit.
And how did he determine this? He tried to wear it on his pinkie finger. It fell off.
I was nearly ecstatic when more customers came in the store, so I had an excuse to stop helping this guy.
I figured he would just leave.
Uh, no.
He started looking through our lingerie and after AN HOUR (yes, it took him an hour to look at 28 lingerie pieces) he brought some to the counter because he wanted to try them on.
"Sure, that's fine, but just remember to keep your under garments on."
He unzipped his hoodie to reveal a glittery disaster of a tank top. He grabbed his chest. "You mean, I have to keep my bra on?"
Right...you're wearing a bra. And false boobs, apparently.
"Um, yes."
"But then how will I see if it holds my boobs?"
"Well, it...um...it's not...uh..."
He was just staring at me. With his broken out face and black meth head teeth and disgusting dirty fingernails and his intense BO stench...
"It's not meant to be supportive." I really, REALLY didn't want him to try anything on. I was afraid he would stain it and make it smell, then I'd have to ask him to buy it and...UGH.
I eventually convinced him to come in another day.
So he left.
FINALLY, after over 90 minutes of dealing with his stench, his incessant questions, hearing about his pinkie-sized penis, looking at his meth-addict face...he was gone.
I HAD to call my manager and tell her about this guy. After 10 years in the business, she was as shocked as I was.
We concluded that he wouldn't be back.
But guess what?!
We were wrong!
LUCKILY it was not during my shift. My co-worker was more than familiar with this guy at that point, after hearing my stories, so he recognized him as soon as he walked in.
He showed him the hollow harness dildoes, the penis-enlargement pills (yes, they still sell those), and whatever else we had to offer. But it wasn't enough. This guy wanted us to SOLVE his problem for him.
Well, dude, this isn't our problem, it's YOURS.
We showed him what we had, and that's all we could have done.
But he wouldn't leave.
I guess he was there for another 90 minutes asking the same stupid questions and bugging my co-worker and manager. There's a point where we CANNOT HELP YOU ANYMORE, but he didn't recognize that.
I think he was convinced t hat we were hiding something from him. Some secret device that will de-virginize him. They were busy taking inventory, but he wouldn't SHUT UP.
I guess he left after a while.
But he came back. AGAIN.
He continued to bug us with his stupid questions, and my co-worker finally had to tell him to STFU when he came up to the counter with a pair of panties asking, "Do you think these would fit me?"
And my co-worker didn't even look at him and said "I have no idea."
And we haven't seen him since.
I think about that guy a lot.
Every time I see a crazy cracked out meth head, or every time someone makes a joke about a small penis, or whenever I smell horrid BO...
Did he ever "get it in...there?"
Did he die of a meth overdose?
Or did he just kill himself after realizing that he'll be a virgin forever, because no woman wants to fuck a bra-wearing midgit with disgusting teeth, overpowering body odor, and a pinkie for a penis.
Whatever it is, I don't think we'll be seeing him again.
Keep your batteries charged! ~Alice
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