"The cops are on speed dial, just so you know."

I substituted for someone at another store tonight.
It's in a strip mall, so I was expecting a lot of foot traffic.
I was right, and it was much busier than my store on a Friday night.
The customers were also a lot different (read: all suburban white folk).

I was not expecting, however, the amount of kids running around.
Now, by "kids," I mean anyone not allowed in my store.
Anyone under 18.

A group of 5 of them barged in the store tonight and began making lude comments.
"Oh fuck yeah! That's full on girl-on-girl action!"

Suspecting they were not of age, I demanded to see their IDs.
Imagine my bouncer face.

Two of them pretended to search their pockets.
One just stood in front of me, staring.
And the other two stood nervously by the door.

When the two that were pretending to search both said, "I can't find it," one standing by the door responded, "Aw, man. You guys forgot your IDs?"
I told him he's a horrible actor. Instead of trying to say he wasn't acting, he just looked offended.

I said, very sternly (it was fun!) "You need to leave. Now."

The tallest one remarked, "I actually AM 18." But I ignored him.

The two by the door started making a fuss, as well. "Really, he is! And so are we!"
"You're not fooling anyone. GET. OUT."
As they turned to walk out the door, one turned around and said, "Really, I'm 16, but I have the cock of an 18 year old!"
"OUT!!! NOW!!!"

After 4 of them were successfully out the door, I had to deal with the tall one standing right in front of me. The one claiming he really was 18.
"Sorry about my little brothers," as if he were trying to be smooth, "but I'm 18."

"I'd like to believe you, but it's illegal for you to be here without proof of age."
"Really?"
"Yes, really, so if you don't leave RIGHT THIS SECOND I will call the cops."
But he continued to walk farther into the store.
"Listen, we're clearly not understanding each other here. I need ID or I WILL CALL THE POLICE."
Slowly but surely he inched his way to the door.
"Other side of the door. NOW!" I said as I picked up the phone. "The cops are on speed dial, just so you know," I said as I pretended to dial. "Your ass will be OUT OF THIS BUILDING SOON, and you'd better hope it's your own doing."

I think he finally got it. Only after OTHER CUSTOMERS were trying to help me. One began to dial 911 on her cell phone after she saw that I was only pretending.
"Ok ok! No need to trip!" he yelled as he left.

Seriously. Kids think they can get away with anything.
This is not my first experience with hooligans trying to get a rise out of me.

It doesn't happen often, but sometimes groups of young (13-17) guys will rush into my store and suddenly disperse. Then I have to panic to quickly get them out before I get a fine.
$5000.
That's how much the fine is for having a minor in your store.
Well, that's the fine for helping a minor in my store. I'm sure if the cops saw me trying to rush them out, they wouldn't fine me.
And they don't fine the store.
They fine ME.
I don't have $5000 for some young bloods to stand by the door way and make wise cracks about the (false) size of their genitals.

For some reason, one of them ALWAYS comments on his penis as he's leaving the store. At least, every time it's happened to me.

When they rush in and disperse, I KNOW they're trying to steal something.
I caught one in the back of the store trying to grab DVD cases before I could run up to him.
Even if they get away with it
All of our discs are behind the counter, so all they get are the cases.
So, joke's on you, bastard!

All I can do is threaten to call the cops. No one could ever get there fast enough to bust these kids.

But I always find it to be very...empowering to be able to kick people out of my store with a legitimate reason.
I feel a sense of authority when I'm able to tell some kid to get the fuck out of my store.
It's not really out of a sense of urgency.
If they want to watch porn, they can get it anywhere, that's not the issue.

The issue is protecting my other customers.
If they know I let kids just walk right in, they won't come back.

And it's just the principle of the damned thing!
Personally, I don't break rules.
If I do, it's because I know I will get away with it.
They know perfectly well that they're breaking a big rule that they may not get away with.
They're doing it for a rush, a high.
I will not give it to them.
I can put on my bouncer face, but I will not yell.
Maybe I'm just trying to teach them a lesson.
Maybe I just feel that my work place is like my home, and I don't want to let weirdos in.

But maybe I just want that high that these kids are looking for.

Oh, also, some creep rubbed my arm when I was behind the counter.
*shudder*

"

Keep your batteries charged! ~Alice